I Could Speak My Truth, and the World Didn’t Fall Apart

“Before I went to Imani, I was completely broken. I was frightened and anxious, and my eating had become something I felt unable to control. I would go without breakfast and eat very little through the day, then eat in the middle of the night. Sometimes I woke up with chocolate all over the bed. I felt awful.

One night, I got down on my knees beside my bed and asked God to help me. The next day, my therapist told me she thought I needed help with my eating disorder. She said the only place she would dream of sending me was Imani, in South Africa.

Saying yes was hard. I had a husband, grown-up children, grandchildren, two dogs, a home and a business to run. I had never been to South Africa. I had no idea what to expect, and going meant getting on a plane and leaving everything familiar on the other side of the world. Somehow, I trusted that it was the right thing to do.

When I arrived, I was such a people pleaser. I hugged everybody every morning, whether they wanted a hug or not! I wanted everyone to like me, and I was afraid that if I said no or admitted I was upset, they might reject me.

After a couple of months, I noticed something had changed. I wasn’t hugging everyone quite so much. I could say no to things I didn’t want to do. It sounds small, but for me it was enormous.

The encouragement of the team and the therapy every day helped me get there. At Imani, I was encouraged to be honest, including when I was upset with someone. I could talk to that person instead of holding everything inside. Slowly, I learned that I could speak my truth and the world didn’t fall apart. People still liked me.

Living in a house with twelve other women was its own little world. We were different ages, with different personalities. It gave me a place to practise friendship, kindness and working through conflict. Above all, I felt able to be my true self.

Recovery has also taught me to feel my feelings. That has been a shock, if I’m honest. For years, I had tried to avoid them through drinking, overeating, people pleasing and codependency. Now I know how raw and painful feelings can be. But I’ve learned that they won’t kill me. I think of them as a satellite navigation system: they’re telling me something I need to pay attention to.

I’m still learning. Speaking up and setting boundaries is easier for me outside my family than it is with the people closest to me. That fear of rejection hasn’t simply disappeared.

Was Imani difficult? Hell yes. There were many times I wanted to go home. Yet a few weeks after I got home, part of me wanted to go back. Life outside was hard, and Imani had been a place where I felt so held, loved and supported as myself.

If I could sit beside the woman I was on that flight to Cape Town, I’d tell her: embrace every moment. Throw yourself into it and take everything you can from the experience. You’re about to learn so much about yourself.

And to anyone who is frightened about going to Imani, I’d say this: I was frightened too. If you get the opportunity, just do it and embrace it with everything you’ve got. It truly is life changing.” By Amanda Jane Duggan

Thank you, Amanda, for sharing your story with us. We know that your honesty, courage and experience will encourage and inspire others who may be taking their first steps towards recovery.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please reach out. Our team of professionals is here to help.

📞 +27 (21) 761-0740
🌐 www.imanitreatment.co.za