“If I had a rewind button on my life, I would take you back to Christmas 2008. It would be a very different picture indeed. Five years ago I was a completely lost, angry, depressed and resentful little girl. Aged 22, I thought I knew everything there was to know about the world, but the reality was I didn’t even know how to live. I was completely and utterly trapped and controlled by my eating disorder, I just didn’t know it. I was in such denial that I believed that I didn’t really have a problem with food, even though I spent every waking moment of my life thinking about it and everything connected to it: what I was/wasn’t allowed, how much/how little I could have, how much I weighed, calories, restricting, demoralising binges, and purging through laxatives and hours of gruelling exercise. Weighing myself 20+ times a day was nothing out of the ordinary for me. Every day, when I woke up, my heart sank as I knew I would have to live another day forcing myself to follow my self-imposed rules.

I used to be able to ‘control’ the binges but it eventually the point where I wasn’t sure I could make it out the house without it sneaking up on me. I relented to the urges and resigned myself to constant eating and purging, then when the purging was too much I relented and just ate, I stopped bothering to fight the powerlessness over my eating disorder. I figured this was the end of my life. I was in so much physical, mental and emotional turmoil I literally had nowhere to turn. The food was killing me in every way.

I just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. Why did everyone else seem to have control over their food and weight? Something in me knew, in spite of everything, there had to be another way. It was only a tiny flicker of hope; after all I had been this way most of my life. But this flicker of hope was just enough to drive me to ask for help. I asked my parents, who had never truly realised the extent of my illness due to the secrecy that surrounded it, for their help. I flew out from the UK and attended Primary care facility for 4 months until I found Imani.

There is something incredibly powerful and special about Imani. It was the first place to show a genuine understanding of eating disorders and provided me with an opportunity to heal emotionally, and physically whilst developing spiritually. I was encouraged by the supportive counsellors and recovery assistants, many of whom had walked the same path themselves, to get honest about my feelings, my illness and anything else I was keeping hidden. It was the safe environment that I needed to be able to process some of the most painful and shameful aspects of my eating disorder.

My early recovery from my eating disorder was very difficult. It was a long process that required rigorous honesty and total commitment. At times I thought “I just don’t think I can do this” but Imani stepped in an kept me strong when I had nothing left in me. I didn’t know it at the time but it was the first step to the rest of my life.

Today I follow the same 12-Step programme Imani introduced to me four years ago and I have been ‘clean’ from my eating disorder for just over 3 ½ years. My body found its healthy weight without me controlling anything and has settled without changing for 2 years: nothing short of a miracle. Christmas and Easter no longer make me want to run and hide. Little things I value in recovery include eating foods that once terrified me or eating out at restaurants, making food choices based on what I want or need and not according to the rules of my eating disorder. I have learnt what my boundaries are around food and exercise to keep my recovery safe.

Imani’s love, care and support, not just during treatment but in the months after, has allowed me to accomplish my biggest achievement in life today: making it to the final year of my psychology degree and undertaking a dissertation in eating disorders for my Honours. I now want to help others and give back some of what I was so generously given.

My ethos now is, no matter how painful life can be, dealing with feelings and not falling back into eating disordered patterns of behaviour is the only way I can live my life. One day at a time. My recovery is so precious to me: it was worth the fight and I very nearly gave up on myself. Imani did not give up on me though and it will always be credited with laying the foundation of life in recovery today: for that I am forever grateful.” – Phillipa R (Eating Disorder)

“Dear Alison,

I cannot believe that it is nearly a year ago that I contacted you, in complete and utter desperation, about LW. LW was severely ill, suffering with anorexia, bulimia and alcohol addiction. Over the course of the previous five years her illnesses had progressively got worse and worse. There seemed to be no end worth thinking about in sight. A huge sadness overshadowed everything, an exhaustion, a cage of fearfulness and alongside LW, we had lost any glimmer of joy in life. LW’s illness dominated everything and keeping her alive and as safe as was possible became my sole purpose. Life was scary and unpredictable – we survived on tears, stress and adrenaline. The future seemed quite frankly terrifying.

When LW arrived with you on the morning of Monday 26th November she was frail and bruised, emotionally tormented and completely empty. I spent the following week sobbing, wondering how on earth my lovely daughter had come to suffer in this way. What cruel twist of fate had found their way to her and made her suffer so utterly and so desperately.

I simply cannot thank you and Imani enough for giving LW her life back. Your care, consistency and love, your rules, your rewards and your sanctions, your education, your challenges and your faith in the human spirit have achieved so so much, and I will remain forever truly grateful.
Please will you pass on my love and thanks to every single member of your team. I know that absolutely everyone who is part of your community at Imani, has helped both save my daughter’s life and give her a life and I cannot thank you all enough.

There is no crystal ball as to what the future holds and I know that LW will continue to face challenges along her way, but for now, there is so much to be thankful for and she has a future to look forward to that she is excited about and a world of possibilities ahead. And in the wider sense you have saved a family too. When visiting Imani in January I was encouraged to attend a Cape Town Al Anon meeting. Having found solace there, I then started attending meetings in London. I have learnt so much along the way and the transformative and healing effects of Imani have extended to us over here in the UK. LW’s siblings are happier too now and ‘getting on with life’ is achievable and their renewed normality.

Thank you so much for doing what you do. It is impossible to overestimate what you have achieved and I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart. I know that LW will be attending the Imani outpatient programme and I am grateful to know that this contact is maintained for now. And I would like to believe that a part of Imani will stay with LW for ever.

With love and grateful thanks”

– JW